As Americans fret about having uncomfortable conversations at the dinner table this Thanksgiving, Jimmy Kimmel is offering a glimpse into a politically correct holiday.
The late-night host enlisted the help of six children to update the classic Thanksgiving pageant so that it would reflect America’s ‘modern sensitivities’.
‘Most of us are familiar with the traditional tale of Thanksgiving, the one we learned in school, it’s a heartwarming story,’ Kimmel tells his audience.
‘But this is not 1621, this is 2016, and some of the story is out of date,’ he continued as the first ever Politically Correct Thanksgiving Pageant begins.
Jimmy Kimmel enlisted the help of six children to update the classic Thanksgiving pageant so that it would reflect with America’s ‘modern sensitivities’ for a hilarious ‘politically correct’ skit
The crowd bursts into cheers, but one young girl in a plaid dress – our narrator – immediately asks them to stop.
‘Please, don’t applaud,’ she says, ‘It’s insensitive to people with no arms.’
She lets the audience laugh, and then begins to set the scene.
‘The place, Plymouth, Massachusetts. The year, 1621…if you choose to believe in the culturally-oppressive Greco-Roman calendar,’ she says to more laughs from the crowd.
‘Let us begin!’
We come upon two adorable pilgrims with a baby in tow.
‘I am cold and hungry,’ one says to his wife. ‘Me too,’ she replies, before adding, ‘But let’s not dismiss the experiences of all those who are not cold and hungry.’
Two Native Americans then arrive and spot the pilgrims.
Everything was fine at first among the pilgrims and Native Americans, who taught each other about cultural appropriation and ‘not using gendered labels’
But problems erupted when the Native Americans brought a turkey out to the feast, offending the vegetarian pilgrims who demanded they ‘check your privilege!’
‘Life partner, look we have visitors!’ the first exclaims excitedly.
‘Greetings indigenous people,’ one of the pilgrims says. ‘Greetings non-indigenous people,’ one of the Native American replies.
The pilgrim’s wife then tries to greet the Native Americans in their native language, but one of them quickly stops her.
‘Please don’t,’ she says. ‘It’s cultural appropriation’.
‘Your baby is very cute, is it a squaw or a brave?’ one of the Native Americans then asks the pilgrim.
‘We’re not using gendered labels yet, we’ll let it decide for itself how its identified,’ she replies to big laughs from the audience.
‘Thank you for raising awareness,’ the Native Americans say together.
That’s when Tofurky came in to save the day, telling the group: ‘I’m made of 100 percent bean curd and wheat protein, and I am GMO free, so dig in!’
But when the group realized how gross the Tofurky tasted, they learned the Tofurky’s true lesson: If you try to make everyone happy, you end up with ‘a lumpy mound of brown goo’
The narrator then introduces us to our next scene, where the pilgrims and Native Americans sit down together in a ‘safe space’ for a ‘locally-sourced feast’.
‘Let’s say grace’, one of the Native Americans begins, ‘Dear generic higher power, who we choose to believe in or not believe in, thank you or nevermind. Let’s eat!’
As they begin to put food on their plates, one of the pilgrims reveals he has a maize allergy.’
‘Everything has maize in it, except for the turkey,’ one of his Native American friends replies.
That’s when the pilgrims reveal they don’t eat turkey and are ‘offended by the site of it’.
‘Check your privilege, pilgrim!’ one of the Native Americans yells.
‘You check your privilege, Indian,’ the other replies to gasps from the table.
‘And just as everyone’s triggers were being alerted, a Thanksgiving miracle happened,’ the narrator interjects.
Suddenly, a massive ‘Tofurky’ appears on the stage.
The hilarious skit ended with a take on ‘We Wish You A Merry Christmas’, albeit a much more politically correct one
‘Hi everyone! I’m a tofurky, gobble, gobble! I’m made of 100 percent bean curd and wheat protein, and I am GMO free, so dig in!’ the massive brown ball tells the children.
They all take a bite of the tofurky – but are disgusted and immediately spit it out.
‘You see, when we all come together and compromise and spend all of our time trying to please everyone, we end up with a lumpy mound of brown goo,’ the Tofurky says. ‘Now let us sing.’
‘We wish you a safe thanksgiving, we wish you a non-confrontational thanksgiving,’ the children begin as the crowd roars in laughter.
‘We wish you a non-Anglo-centric, pan-cultural Thanksgiving, and a micro-aggression-free New Year.’